Dear Sir,

My name is Patrick [name edited because of you silly internet people] and I am a young man with a desire to write an internet 'blog' for the www.brisbanetimes.com.au website. This email is an unsolicited job application for such a position within your organisation. Please find following a summary of my experience and personal qualities. I also intend to address the personal characteristics which I possess which would lend themselves usefully to someone in your employ.

* I currently maintain an internet blog as part of the Orble blogging network and this is possibly the best way for me to demonstrate my writing style in the 'blog'. The internet address for that blog is www.booksareforlosers.com. It is a light-hearted and irreverant publication focussed on the reviewing of books. Its style is perhaps a little 'crass', but this is a problem easily remedied (you will note that I have not used any expletives in this email, for instance). It is a tremendously successful enterprise and I think you will be impressed. I am unashamedly inspired by the Times' columnists Giles Coren and Jeremy Clarkson and I fully intend on plagarising their content in the future.

* I am regularly published (weekly, I think, but I'm not sure - I don't actually read the articles) in a number of local newspapers in the south-east Queensland area. My work is strictly limited to news stories about the local rugby union competition in the Logan City area. I do not receive a by-line for this work as my articles are submitted in the form of a 'press release'; however, these articles are often published uneditted and I think this is a good demonstration of the fact that I am willing to perform a thankless task over an extended period of time for no reward. I have been perfoming this task for approximately eighteen months and I find it to be satisfactory.

* I hold a Bachelor of Arts majoring in Journalism from the University of Queensland (Saint Lucia campus). To be quite honest, it's not really worth all that much, but I thought it would be worth mentioning.

* Currently I am employed as a solicitor specialising in construction litigation. I have been admitted as a legal practitioner since 13 September 2004. This perhaps isn't directly relevant to my ability to write an internet blog, but it shows that I'm an educated and well-rounded guy who is professionally (and unprofessionally) capable of quite a lot.

* I am quite a well-read person and am generally well-informed about a wide range of issues. This is important because it means that I could write an internet blog on a wide range of topics including, but not limited to: modern life, relationships, sports, current events, legal issues, celebrities and gossip, breaking news, technology, maybe even an advice column - basically, I'll write about anything. You'll note from my current blog (link above) that I have never let my lack of knowledge stand in the way of regularly producing quality content. You can rest assured that this would not change if I was writing in your employ.

* I have a number of controversial views about popular issues which readers will find themselves compelled to comment upon, thereby increasing internet traffic. If these opinions aren't controversial or popular enough, then I am happy to invent other ones.

* This may seem slightly unusual, but I only mention it because I am very aware of the difficulties of marketing in the world of the 'new media' and I would not like for you to think that I'm simply saying this out of vanity - but I'm a handsome, attractive and fit young man. People who see a photograph of me (next to a blog title, for instance) would be interested in reading my thoughts because they found me pleasing to look at. This could prove very useful in the promotion of my work and I feel that I would be doing us both a disservice if I wasn't up front about this.

* Perhaps most importantly, I will work for free. Seriously. Basically, I am saying that I will write great content for the www.brisbanetimes.com.au website for no payment. I already write for free anyway so it's not really all that much of a change for me and I figure that you would soon be impressed with my abilities so that when the time comes to renegotiate any arrangements we might have, I would be in a stronger bargaining position than I currently am.

I hope the above provides an adequate summary of myself and that I have given you enough information to assess my abilities as a writer. Should you require anything further from me, please do not hesitate to ask.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to receiving your reply in due course.

Yours sincerely,
Patrick [better edit this one as well - I would be pretty dumb (well, dumber) if I forgot!]

Patrick

Thanks for your email.

At this stage we don't require additional bloggers to our current
offerings.

I will keep you in mind for the future.

Thanks and regards
[name completely edited because this poor guy doesn't realise that I am genuinely this retarded]